Two parallel experiences: (how I came to have a relationship with God)

1. Got to know the Spirit – DO THIS!

My Mother is an incredible person in many areas … one of which is that of being aware of the spirit, and being able to understand him – whether in understanding gospel principles, in receiving answers to prayers, in applying scriptures to her current situation, or even just feeling his presence.  As a child this frustrated me to no end.  I wanted to feel the spirit.  I wanted to know the church was true, and wanted to like the scriptures, and I wanted to feel my prayers were heard and answered.  It was like my mom had a direct line to God, and the wire connecting me to God had been cut.  Not nice.

I don’t remember how old I was when I first noticed I had something missing – probably somewhere between the ages of 10-13.  Somewhere in there I decided I wanted and was going to get what my Mom had.  I don’t remember what experience or person influenced me, but somehow I got the idea to experiment with listening to the Spirit.  I prayed to feel his presence, to recognize his presence, to understand his prompting.  When I thought I may be feeling a prompting of the spirit I did what I felt impressed to do to see if anything happened.  If it flopped, I assumed it was just one of my ideas.  If it work, it may have been of the Spirit. Over time I hoped I would be able to tell the difference between my thoughts and ideas and the Spirit’s.  I still do this... it works! 

Since starting, I have developed a relationship with the Spirit.  I now feel I receive answers to my prayers – although not always in the time or direction I would like.  I also love the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants and frequently see connections to my life in what I read (still have more work to do with the Old and New Testaments and Pearl of Great Price).  Through my developing relationship with the Spirit, I have and continue to develop my relationships with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father.  I now know they are there, I am learning about their personalities, and truly believe they are aware of me and are actively involved in my life – leading me along as fast as I will follow to what will bring me the greatest happiness (not that I know what that is).  I trust them.

This is why developing a relationship with the Spirit has become so important to me.  The Spirit is the channel through which I know God exists, in fact, he is the conduit through which all my experience and knowledge, and communication with God travels.

2. Experiment Gone  Awry - DON'T DO THIS

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In my early efforts at experimenting with the Spirit I discovered many good things to do (follow prompting to see where they go, pray and plead for experiences with the Spirit so you can learn what the Spirit feel like etc…).  I also discovered some not so good ways of experimenting…  I began taking gospel principles and instead of asking if they were true, I would look at them and ask if they were false.  Not a good way to set about finding truth… at least not for me.  The 13^th article of faith states in part, “… If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.”  I have since found it more productive to seek for truth than for un-truth.

Anyway, when I was 12-14 (once again, not sure when exactly) I set about trying to find truth in the gospel and about God by questioning everything.  Then I had this dream:

I was alone in my castle.  It was a very well built, strong if not beautiful structure.  I think I was curled up reading a book in a comfy corner when I noticed an eerie stillness.  Running through my empty castle I climbed a tower and looked outside to see if I could discover what was making me sooo uneasy. Looking out the window and down the side of the mountain I saw in the gathering dusk a distant mob of angry people with torches storming up the mountain.  They were coming for ME!!!  I rushed about my sure fortress, in a panic and hid under a table in the kitchen.  They were coming closer now – I could hear them!    In terror, I ran to the back entrance of the castle, unbolted and flung open the door –

Before me lay a rough cut plank spanning the moat.  It must have been raining, because the water was extremely high and torrential. Not even seeing this in my fear, I bolted from the castle across the plank … softened by the rain the ground gave way under the board – whoosh – I fell in the cold churning water. 

I was at the mercy of a strong current that pulled me here and pushed me there.  Totally disoriented, under the water, surging upwards, gasping when every my face happened to find the surface,  inhaling both water and air, being pulled down into the depths once again…

… Catching a glimpse of Someone leaning forward, stretching out a hand … reaching, reaching, NOOO!!!  Being pull way and under! Help!  Please!  Pushed up and air… Gasp...  Coming around again. Please, please help me. Reaching…

He managed to grab hold of my hand and drag me from the torrent. I found myself standing by the side of the raging torrent of a moat beside Him, I could not get back into my safe place – my plain but sure fortress.  They were still coming.  I stood there with a sure feeling of dread… why I had left my safe place in a time of danger - I could no longer go back.  Looking at Him I saw the sorrow and concern in his eyes – I knew I now must search out and built up a new place of security, safety, and strength... before they found me. 

This dream has stuck with me like few other dreams have.  Just as I left my safe and secure fortress when danger threatened, spiritually I had been leaving my safe place of the testimony of my childhood by questioning everything.  Having landed myself in danger, I needed help to keep from drowning.  It took Christ reaching out to me and me reaching out for him to land me on firmer ground.   I could not get back into my castle, and I could not return to the testimony I had.  In both cases I had to forward, unprotected to rebuild.  An arduous and daunting task.  But with Him, with Christ, it is, and has been possible.