How Long??

Was lying in bed this morning, praying again to know what to do with my life this next year – how long does God want me to keep on keeping on?  I want to move and progress and play and explore and create.  I often feel so stagnant, and while life is very good, I want it to be great.  Had two thoughts:  First, this hymn below popped into my head. 

How long, O Lord most holy and true,

Shall shadowed hope our joy delay?

Our hears confess, our souls believe

Thy truth, thy truth, thy light, thy will, thy way!

Thy truth has made our prison bright;

Thy light has dimmed the dying past.

We bend beneath thy loving will

And seek thy onward, onward path at last.

Eternal Father, gentle Judge!

Speed on the day, redemption’s hour.

Set up thy kingdom; from thy house

Unlock for us, for us the prison tow’r.

From grim confusion’s awful depth

The wail of hosts, faith’s urgent plea:

Release our anguished, weary souls;

Swing wide, sing wide the gates, and set us free!

-          How Long, O Lord Most Holy and True, Text: John A. Widstoe, Music: B. Cecil Gates

      Second, was an impression to start the new year fasting. I invite anyone who wants to, to join me. 

  

A Very Rude Lady

December 22, 2010 – I was sitting in the McDonalds at Wal-Mart typing away on my computer at 8 in the morning when I overhear a young child ask “Why is that girl in her pajama’s?” – her grandfathers response … “Because she is a very rude lady”.  WHAT??!! 

Was I in my pajama’s? Yes.  Does that make me rude? No. 

He had his descriptors wrong … too casual?, perhaps … lazy?, well no, but I could have understood why he’d think so.  I immediately set about thinking of legitimate reasons why I might be in such a setting in such attire.   Came up with some good ones too.

Why was I sitting there in my pajamas?  Well … I was happily sleeping in when Jessica, my sister, woke me up and reminded me I was going to take her to Wal-Mart before she left to travel home for Christmas (She was leaving in 1 ½ hrs).  Thinking thoughts of being a good and loving sister I rolled out of bed, grabbed my laptop and keys and a jacket and poured myself into the car. 

At Wal-mart’s McDonalds I ordered a muffin to nibble on as I used my computer to select photos to send to my mom and wrote Christmas letters to my brothers.  I was using the time I had to extend myself in love to all those I could (including the McDonalds cashier – managed to get a genuine smile out of her), and not only do I get judged, I get misjudged. 

Made me think, I do exactly the same thing.  That person over there is an abusive parent, an unfit driver, ignorant, careless, inconsiderate, or unobservant, or withdrawn.  This insta-labeling happens in the other direction as well – creating paragons of patience, intelligence, whit, mercy, and perfection.  Really, any impressions we gain of a person seeing them across the aisle in the Super Store is, as a rule, going to be inaccurate.  Even after spending some time with a person it is impossible to be at all accurate in judging their motivations, so why do we try and do it when we are oblivious to all but the obvious and are missing most of the important bits.

Well, maybe we do it to try to fit what we see (reality), with how we think (our reality).  Right and wrong are based on our perceptions, and our perceptions are based on the society in which we have been raised and our experiences. 

Why ever we do it, I want to stop – wish me luck, I don’t think it is possible.

Two parallel experiences: (how I came to have a relationship with God)

1. Got to know the Spirit – DO THIS!

My Mother is an incredible person in many areas … one of which is that of being aware of the spirit, and being able to understand him – whether in understanding gospel principles, in receiving answers to prayers, in applying scriptures to her current situation, or even just feeling his presence.  As a child this frustrated me to no end.  I wanted to feel the spirit.  I wanted to know the church was true, and wanted to like the scriptures, and I wanted to feel my prayers were heard and answered.  It was like my mom had a direct line to God, and the wire connecting me to God had been cut.  Not nice.

I don’t remember how old I was when I first noticed I had something missing – probably somewhere between the ages of 10-13.  Somewhere in there I decided I wanted and was going to get what my Mom had.  I don’t remember what experience or person influenced me, but somehow I got the idea to experiment with listening to the Spirit.  I prayed to feel his presence, to recognize his presence, to understand his prompting.  When I thought I may be feeling a prompting of the spirit I did what I felt impressed to do to see if anything happened.  If it flopped, I assumed it was just one of my ideas.  If it work, it may have been of the Spirit. Over time I hoped I would be able to tell the difference between my thoughts and ideas and the Spirit’s.  I still do this... it works! 

Since starting, I have developed a relationship with the Spirit.  I now feel I receive answers to my prayers – although not always in the time or direction I would like.  I also love the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants and frequently see connections to my life in what I read (still have more work to do with the Old and New Testaments and Pearl of Great Price).  Through my developing relationship with the Spirit, I have and continue to develop my relationships with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father.  I now know they are there, I am learning about their personalities, and truly believe they are aware of me and are actively involved in my life – leading me along as fast as I will follow to what will bring me the greatest happiness (not that I know what that is).  I trust them.

This is why developing a relationship with the Spirit has become so important to me.  The Spirit is the channel through which I know God exists, in fact, he is the conduit through which all my experience and knowledge, and communication with God travels.

2. Experiment Gone  Awry - DON'T DO THIS

.     

In my early efforts at experimenting with the Spirit I discovered many good things to do (follow prompting to see where they go, pray and plead for experiences with the Spirit so you can learn what the Spirit feel like etc…).  I also discovered some not so good ways of experimenting…  I began taking gospel principles and instead of asking if they were true, I would look at them and ask if they were false.  Not a good way to set about finding truth… at least not for me.  The 13^th article of faith states in part, “… If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.”  I have since found it more productive to seek for truth than for un-truth.

Anyway, when I was 12-14 (once again, not sure when exactly) I set about trying to find truth in the gospel and about God by questioning everything.  Then I had this dream:

I was alone in my castle.  It was a very well built, strong if not beautiful structure.  I think I was curled up reading a book in a comfy corner when I noticed an eerie stillness.  Running through my empty castle I climbed a tower and looked outside to see if I could discover what was making me sooo uneasy. Looking out the window and down the side of the mountain I saw in the gathering dusk a distant mob of angry people with torches storming up the mountain.  They were coming for ME!!!  I rushed about my sure fortress, in a panic and hid under a table in the kitchen.  They were coming closer now – I could hear them!    In terror, I ran to the back entrance of the castle, unbolted and flung open the door –

Before me lay a rough cut plank spanning the moat.  It must have been raining, because the water was extremely high and torrential. Not even seeing this in my fear, I bolted from the castle across the plank … softened by the rain the ground gave way under the board – whoosh – I fell in the cold churning water. 

I was at the mercy of a strong current that pulled me here and pushed me there.  Totally disoriented, under the water, surging upwards, gasping when every my face happened to find the surface,  inhaling both water and air, being pulled down into the depths once again…

… Catching a glimpse of Someone leaning forward, stretching out a hand … reaching, reaching, NOOO!!!  Being pull way and under! Help!  Please!  Pushed up and air… Gasp...  Coming around again. Please, please help me. Reaching…

He managed to grab hold of my hand and drag me from the torrent. I found myself standing by the side of the raging torrent of a moat beside Him, I could not get back into my safe place – my plain but sure fortress.  They were still coming.  I stood there with a sure feeling of dread… why I had left my safe place in a time of danger - I could no longer go back.  Looking at Him I saw the sorrow and concern in his eyes – I knew I now must search out and built up a new place of security, safety, and strength... before they found me. 

This dream has stuck with me like few other dreams have.  Just as I left my safe and secure fortress when danger threatened, spiritually I had been leaving my safe place of the testimony of my childhood by questioning everything.  Having landed myself in danger, I needed help to keep from drowning.  It took Christ reaching out to me and me reaching out for him to land me on firmer ground.   I could not get back into my castle, and I could not return to the testimony I had.  In both cases I had to forward, unprotected to rebuild.  An arduous and daunting task.  But with Him, with Christ, it is, and has been possible.

My Testimony

I know God exists, that he is the literal Father of our individual spirits.

God is both a master artist and scientist.

I believe God “… has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being …” (Alma 26:35). I believe God moves things in the world to bless me, and I will receive those things if I will allow him to lead me and accept the blessing and opportunities that are placed before me.

I believe Jesus Christ is God’s son, and that he fulfilled God’s plan in coming to earth, living and dying for me (and everyone else individually and personally).  I believe Christ still lives for me. 

I believe in the Holy Ghost, the third member of the Godhead.  I have developed (and continue to do so) my ability to hear/feel his promptings.  

I have come to trust God – even when I don’t understand why he leads me in one direction when I felt the opposite direction was where I wanted to go.  He is always right.

I believe God calls prophets to direct His affairs on earth.  Prophets remind us to keep looking to God.

Keeping God’s commandments (particularly partaking of the sacrament, scripture study, and prayer) leads to life flowing smoother. 

Seeking God’s will for me and obedience to that Will ALWAYS make life better.

Early Feelings

There are some truths that I have always felt.  I have always felt God exists, that he is an artist, and that he was good. I have early memories of feelings of worth and accountability to God.  The feeling that the young men and women of my generation had/have a great work to do is also very prominent.  I felt God expected great things of us, and that we were capable of accomplishing these things by nature of our valiant nature (and the support and orchestration of God).

Over time, through some study and more experience and experimentation my testimony has morphed increasing in breadth and depth.

I AM

Having just bought a beautiful new laptop, I am currently in the process of transferring files from the old computer to the new one.  It is pretty exciting revisiting documents, and I have been finding many interesting (for one reason of another) things I have written.  Here is a poem I wrote back in 2007 for one of my college courses.

I Am

Painted in 1999

I am lost on a journey to a known destination

I wonder why God’s timing has to differ so much from my own

I listen for the sunshine in a world that’s raining

I see things as they could be

I want a cottage with a creek, a library with large comfy chairs and a ladder, an orchard with a tree swing

I am a daisy in a bouquet of roses

I am spontaneous – I sing, skip, fly, and laugh for the joy of it

I pretend, to become; and act to gain

I feel God holding me in his hands

I read to escape

I worry when I don’t know the whole plan

I am a garden sprite – I live in a fairy garden

I understand I am not perfect, and I am alright with that

I say what I think when I can no longer stay silent

I dream with my feet on the ground and my head in the 
                                     clouds

                              I try to improve…

                                         I have hope for tomorrow.

                                                                          I am on the road.

Classics Count Down

A while back, the BBC published a list of the top 100 books that have been published.

According to the article, the average person has only actually read six of these novels.
I thought I would keep track of how I am doing, bolding books as I get them read.

So far I am sitting at 13/100.  Not too shabby. 

Note: There are some books on this list I plan on not reading.


1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible (just parts, not in entirety)
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty-Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D'Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare (some titles, not all)
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli's Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding X,
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones's Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte's Web - EB White 
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Alborn
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Third day of Advent: Christmas Letters

Twas the third day of advent and my advent calender said to me ... write Christmas letters!

This year, for Christmas I am writing letters as gifts.  I would encourage all of you to do the same :)  . Write a letter to someone you care about and tell them:
- why you love them
- your memory of meeting them
- what you love about them (yes, this is different from why you love them)
- your wishes for them
- your thoughts on something you are passionate about

Really anything would do. Share your thoughts and your love through a letter this Christmas. 

Here is a song for you to listen to as you write:

Mary Did You Know

Love you, and happy letter writing :D

.

What’s in a Name?

Hello dear ones.

Jess and I have decided to divide the newsletter and write up our portions separately.  I have also decided to turn my newletter into a blog.  This way we can both send out instalments when we have the time and when we are ready, rather than having to wait for the other or hurry to get something written.  Also I can send out a story here and there rather than waiting to have an entire newletters worth.  

The only problem was, what do we call our separate Publications???  Common Mercies was a name Jess thought of through mutual discussion.  We both love the name and what it represents dearly.  God is so good. Evidence of his love for each of us individually – common mercies – are everywhere if we will only look for them.  This is what I love to look for and find and share.  Life is sweet when can see God’s love for us, and it is bleak and dark when we can’t.  By sharing these experiences with you I see more of them and my life is brighter.  We tend to find what we look for .

So, what am I to call my newsletter now?

Jess has been tossing around all sorts of ideas, but none that express the same purpose or idea.  In exasperation she even suggested we chop the old name in half!  Mine could be called Common, and hers would be Mercies.  Hmmmp.  Asking around, one of my friends suggested (among others) the name Blessed Stumble.  I rather like this one!  It is an apt description of how I travel through life.  Lacking grace and foresight, I look around fling myself at the best point in view.  Then I raise my head and do it again.  (kinda like the donkey and the carrot)  Like a little child who is learning to walk, I set my sights on the goal and go for it.  I crash into, trip over, and fall onto things.  Sometimes it hurts, but much of the time the stumble adds to the joy – like the feeling of flying and the discovery of new things within my reach!  Either way, the struggle makes me stronger so I can run farther, climb higher, and experience more next time. 

Seeing life as a blessed stumble is an acceptance that a life full of the pursuit of learning and of seeking new experiences and of self improvement is one filled with hazards and joys.  Finding joy in the journey, let us all stumble along together.

Advent

I love creating, developing, and practicing holiday traditions.  I find these traditions help build a sense of expectation and excitement.  They can help you focus on why you do what you do, reminding you that the day or the season is special and set apart for one reason or another.  

Christmas means so many things to so many people.  It is a time to spend with family; to think of and support the less fortunate; to reconnect with those you care about (or feel you should care about); and it is also a time where we remember Christ's birth and mission (but mostly his birth).   

Unfortunately, along side with those things I love about Christmas are things I do not love.  Of Gary Chapman's 5 love languages my predominant love language is quality time.  This means I love spending time with those I care about and almost resent it when the amount of time I have to do so is limited by other obligations.  Also, my least predominant love language is gifts.  They just aren't important to me to make me feel loved.  I like them - but they rarely carry significance.  This also mean gift giving is difficult for me.  If I know what you want, and can get it for you I will.  But if I don't know what you want (as in you haven't told me bluntly several times) I won't know what to get and it is sooooo incredibly stressful for me to try and figure out what you'd really like.  This poses a problem at Christmas time where there is such a focus on gift giving. (Incidentally, if anyone is wondering what to give me for Christmas, I'd absolutely love a letter :) - really really).

Another thing I don't like about Christmas is how the different purposes are prioritized. I know everyone's priorities differ, however, the last few years Christmas has seemed a little fragmented.   

Because of this I have been trying to adopt, create traditions so the pieces of what makes Christmas for me, become more unified - like so :

Note: family includs those I was blessed to be born to and those I have adopted

Last year I adopted the tradition of Advent. Here is a description of some  Advent symbolisim and tradition from the Eric and Elaine Huntsman Family :

The term “advent” comes from the Latin adventus, meaning “coming” or “appearance.” Advent is the season marking the four Sundays before Christmas and developed as a way of helping Christians prepare not only to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ in his First Coming but also to help them look forward to his glorious Second Coming. Although Advent customs may be foreign to many Latter-day Saints, we have found that, like so many seasonal traditions, they are a wonderful way to turn our attention more fully to the true meaning of Christmas Elements of Advent liturgy existed by the time of Gregory the Great (Roman pope, A.D. 590-604), and much of the celebration was formalized during his papal reign. Many familiar Advent traditions, however, originated in Germany, where Martin Luther encouraged its continued observance as a way
of teaching children and families more about the significance of the coming of Jesus Christ. It is still widely celebrated by Roman Catholics, Anglicans,
and Lutherans and has become a common celebration in many Christian faith communities throughout the world.

One of the best known Advent customs is the lighting of the candles in an Advent wreath, a simple or decorated evergreen wreath with four candles placed in the circle and a single white candle in the center. The wreath itself represents the never-ending circle of God’s love, that he is the same and forever in his love towards his people. The green of the wreath, as in the Christmas tree, represents the hope of eternal life that comes through Christ and serves a reminder of the freshness of God’s love and promises. The light of the candles reminds us that Jesus is the Light of the World, that his birth represented the coming of the light into darkness, and that we are called to reflect that light in our lives. The outer candles are purple, the color of royalty, although customarily the third one is rose or pink. Traditions differ regarding the symbolism of the candles. One is that they represent the hope, love, joy, and peace that come through Jesus Christ. Each Sunday before Christmas an
additional candle is lit, creating a beautiful stepped-effect as the previous weeks’ candles burn down further. Scriptures can be read and carols sung as part of the lighting, which we do before family prayer. The four candles can also represent the different Old Testament covenants that God made with his servants, beginning with Noah and continuing through Abraham, Moses, and David. The central white candle is known as the Christ candle. It is lit on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and represents the new covenant made possible through Christ.

For Advent this year I have daily scriptures, songs, stories, activities, and snacks.  I will try and keep you posted about how it goes.

I still don't have Christmas where I want it, but I like to think I am getting closer.

Note: Check out the on-line quizes to see which are you and your friends primary love languages are and how knowing this can help you care for each other better: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/