Becoming

Not as I would be:

Have you ever come to the startling realization that you are not as good as you thought you were?  Or not as good as you would be?  The first time this happened to me was when I was in University.  I was lying in bed, having finished reading my scriptures.  The next thing on my list to do before I could conk out was to get up and brush my teeth.  I lay there for 15 min. arguing with myself.  

Hmm, I need to get up and brush my teeth. But I don’t want to.  Are you too sleepy?  No, I just don’t want to.  But this is good for you.  No one else is going to care, it is solely for your benefit. I don’t care. I don’t want to!!!!

It was the first time I remember actively choosing a choice I did not agree with.  How many of us are shocked to discover that we are disinclined to serve, self centered, judgmental, or quick to find fault?  It is an awful feeling to discover you are less than you would be.

To discover how we can make ourselves the way we want to be, we can look to Christ.

Christ asks us to be like him:

Christ asks us to be like him.  Repeatedly.

After Christ’s resurrection he visited the Nephites and said, “…Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be?  Verily I say unto you, even as I am.” (3 Ne 27:27)

Other examples:

3 Ne 12:48
Therefore I would that ye should be perfect, even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect.

 Matthew 18:33
Shouldst not thou also have compassion on thy fellow servant, even as I had pity on thee?

What is Christ like:

So … if we are to be like Christ, what is he like?

Charity is the pure love of Christ. (Moroni 7:45)

So what does charity look like? Moroni 7:45 reads, “And charity suffereth long and is kind, and envieth not and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh not evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things,  doeth all things, endureth all things.

Christ is all those things. 

Also when Christ visited the Nephites after his resurrection, he said, “And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and become as a little child, and be baptized in my name, or ye can in no wise receive these things. And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and be baptized in my name, and become as a little child, or ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God.” (3 Ne 11:37-38)

Evidently becoming as a little child is rather important. 

King Benjamin, a Book of Mormon prophet, in his farewell speech to his people spoke of the importance of becoming as a little child, describing the process as one who “… becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Mosiah 3:19)

Jean A Stevens, First Counselor in the Primary General Presidency, said, “These precious children of God come to us with believing hearts.  They are full of faith and receptive to feelings of the Spirit.  They exemplify humility, obedience, and love.  They are often the first to love and the first to forgive.” (April 2011 Conference, Becoming as a Little Child)

These are all things that describe how Christ is.  These attributes dictated his behavior.

On becoming:

(extensively quoting from Elder Lynn G. Robbins April 2011 General Conference address)

“To be and to do are inseparable… they reinforce and promote each other … To do without to be is hypocrisy, or feigning to be what one is not – a pretender … to be without to do … it is self-deception, believing oneself to be good merely because one’s intentions are good.  Do without be – hypocrisy portrays a false image to others, while be without do portrays a false image to oneself.” (p 103)

“To do’s are activities or evens that can be checked off the list when done.   To be, however, is never done.  You can’t earn checkmarks with to be’s.I can take my wife out for a lovely evening this Friday, which is a to do. But being a good husband is not an event; it needs to be part of my nature … Or as a parent, when can I check a child off my list as done? … Christlike to be’s cannot be seen, but they are the motivating force behind what we do. … Because be begets do and is the motive behind do, teaching be will improve behaviour more effectively than focusing on do …” (p 104)

So how do we learn to be?:

Pres. Ezra Taft Benson said, “The Lord works for the inside out.  The world works from the outside in.  The world would take people out of the slums.  Christ takes the slums out of the people, and then they take themselves out of the slums.  The world would mold men by changing their environment.  Christ changes men, who then change their environment.  The world would shape human behavior, but Christ can change human nature.” (If Life Were Easy, it Wouldn’t Be Hard, p63)

Christ can help us make the changes that we cannot make on our own.  We can with a little effort change what we do.  It is very difficult for us to change how we feel.

Pres. George Q. Cannon (a member of the First Presidency) said, “Have I imperfections?  I am full of them.  What is my duty?  To pray to God to give me the gifts that will correct these imperfections.  If I am an angry man, it is my duty to pray for charity, which suffereth long and is kind.  Am I an envious man?  It is my duty to seek for charity, which envieth not …. No man ought to say, ‘Oh, I cannot help this; it is my nature.’  He is not justified in it, for the reason that God has promised to give strength to correct these things, and to give gifts that will eradicate them. …  That is the design of God concerning His Church.  He wants His Saints to be perfected in the truth.  For this purpose He gives these gifts, and bestows them upon those who seek after them, in order that they may be a perfect people upon the face of the earth, notwithstanding their many weaknesses, because God has promised to give the gifts that are necessary for their perfection” (If Life Were Easy, it Wouldn’t Be Hard, p59)

I would like to emphasize that God gives these gifts to those who seek after them.  Seeking implies diligence, and effort.  He does not say that God gives them to those who wish for them, or casually ask.

So how do we seek after these attributes?:

It is the doing coupled with the want to be that brings the change.

Elder Oaks said in this past conference, “The desires we act on determine our changing, our achieving, and our becoming.” (April 2011 General Conference, Desire)

There is great strength in labeling the Christlike be’s in ourselves and those around us … even the ones in embryo.  When we recognize the good within us we bring it to the front of our mind where it will have a greater influence on our actions.

It’s like when you are learning to ride a bike.  You end up where you focus your gaze.  If you focus on the tree, you will hit the tree, if you focus down the road, you will travel down the road. 

Focusing on the good that we are (rather than focusing on the lack within us) causes the good to increase and causes us to want to be that way more.

Conclusions? :

If we see something in ourselves that we don’t like, and want to change, we can ask God for the specific gifts we need to overcome our nature.  Where we cannot change our motivation and feeling, he can.  Changing our nature is not God’s job alone.  With His assistance, it is our doing combined with our wanting to be that brings the change.  And it could take some time.  That is why we’ve been given a lifetime.

Beautiful Day

Oh, it is lovely out! There's a light dusting of snow. The sun is shinning, and it is a balmy -4 out. No wind, and the birds are twirping. Breath deeply --- the very air is alive!

What a glorious morning.  This week I made plans to go running first thing this morning.  I woke up at 4am, 5am, and at 6am in eager anticipation of this new adventure.  When I woke at 7am my anticipation was gone - oh did bed ever feel good.  I momentarily contemplated pulling the blankets back over my head and conking out for the rest of the day.  It Saturday I reasoned, its my day, and I can do whatever I want! Mastering myself, I rolled over, flipped on the light and reached for my Morning Papers (nearly each morning for the past month I have been writing 3 pages of longhand stream of conscience writing - really cool, but I'll have to tell you about that later).  After so doing, I bundled up - why was I doing this again? - and jumped in the car to go kidnap a friend to come with me (if I must suffer, I was sure going to share :) )


What a beautiful day!  I stepped out my door into the SUNSHINE (haven't seen that in, like, a week), and felt WARMTH on my face rather than the frozen cold I had been bracing myself for. Joy! Bliss! What a gift a little sunshine is.  It didn't stay out long (it ran away to hide behind a cloud), but, oh, it was sweet.

We drove down to the river bottom, and ran .8 km, walked .2 km, and then ran another 1.1 km.  Pretty good for only my second run of the year.  Walking back to the car I listened to the birds, enjoyed the beauty of the nearly-spring coolie, admired some bird tracks, spotted two HUGE birds (Canadian geese? - couldn't be ... they were huge!), and enjoyed delightful conversation.

And life is brighter because of this adventure.  I need to get out and run more.  It makes me feel better, have more energy, gain motivation (made gluten free bread!), and makes the world look more appealing.  I see more good - I am sure it was there all along, but it is like there are spotlights on it now bringing it into focus and to my attention.

I love running! And I love that Spring is coming back to me.  Maybe this is why we have winter - so we can know how sweet Spring is.

Figuring it out

Have you noticed what complex creatures human beings are?  We really don’t make sense.  Very few statements you could make about a person, even yourself, are always true. 

-  I am people phobic – I need to be around people – I am stubborn – I am open (I like to think so anyway) – I am hard working – I am lazy …

Really doesn’t make any sense.

Here’s another one for you – I hate change, and I need change.  Good or bad, change is scary – I don’t like not being in control. 

There is great risk of personal injury when you don’t know what’s happening … especially if you do not have a hand in directing the change.  I don’t know if it is easier or harder to deal with change if you have some control of it.  At least then you have a chance to moderate it and direct it – injuries are sometimes both harder or easier to deal with when you know they were your fault.  I don’t like being hurt or uncomfortable.

Change can bring about many unpleasant results. It can hurt, it can end, and it can crush.

BUT …

I need change.  If I don’t have change I feel stagnant, unfulfilled, wasted, depressed, bored, and of less worth.  Self chosen change is like morning mist, like a frosted wood, and like storm cleared air.  It energizes, enlivens, awakens, lifts, and makes everything else in your life brighter, lighter, and easier to bear.  It carries with it hope, and this hope diffuses into many seemingly unrelated areas in my life.  If I something good can happen or be caused to happen here, then surely good things are happening or about to happen elsewhere too! I subconsciously start looking for the good elsewhere and find it! I see the world differently. This kind of change breeds excitement with life.

With this good kind of change, it is the process rather than the product that is most thrilling.  The continual discovery, and development that brings such a high.  New tastes, sights, smells, sounds … the discovery of new capabilities and the development of such.  It is a great thing to know you can. It is liberating to know you don’t know the limit of the great, and good you can do and experience. It breeds joy and anticipation for the new day.  What am I going to stumble across today? 

Change can bring freedom.

So … yes … people are complicated.  And change …

… it’s a fact of life and either makes life miserable or worth living…

Book: Howl's Moving Castle

A friend recommended this book to me.  Delightful snackable fantasy - not quite cotton candy ... more like some really good twizzler red licorice.  A young woman (who is fated to have nothing exciting or good happen to her ever) gets turned into an old woman by a witch and must seek help from the soul snatching, heart eating Wizard Howel. 

If you decide you are in the mood for twizzlers, Howl's Moving Castle is written by Diana Wynne Jones

How Long??

Was lying in bed this morning, praying again to know what to do with my life this next year – how long does God want me to keep on keeping on?  I want to move and progress and play and explore and create.  I often feel so stagnant, and while life is very good, I want it to be great.  Had two thoughts:  First, this hymn below popped into my head. 

How long, O Lord most holy and true,

Shall shadowed hope our joy delay?

Our hears confess, our souls believe

Thy truth, thy truth, thy light, thy will, thy way!

Thy truth has made our prison bright;

Thy light has dimmed the dying past.

We bend beneath thy loving will

And seek thy onward, onward path at last.

Eternal Father, gentle Judge!

Speed on the day, redemption’s hour.

Set up thy kingdom; from thy house

Unlock for us, for us the prison tow’r.

From grim confusion’s awful depth

The wail of hosts, faith’s urgent plea:

Release our anguished, weary souls;

Swing wide, sing wide the gates, and set us free!

-          How Long, O Lord Most Holy and True, Text: John A. Widstoe, Music: B. Cecil Gates

      Second, was an impression to start the new year fasting. I invite anyone who wants to, to join me. 

  

A Very Rude Lady

December 22, 2010 – I was sitting in the McDonalds at Wal-Mart typing away on my computer at 8 in the morning when I overhear a young child ask “Why is that girl in her pajama’s?” – her grandfathers response … “Because she is a very rude lady”.  WHAT??!! 

Was I in my pajama’s? Yes.  Does that make me rude? No. 

He had his descriptors wrong … too casual?, perhaps … lazy?, well no, but I could have understood why he’d think so.  I immediately set about thinking of legitimate reasons why I might be in such a setting in such attire.   Came up with some good ones too.

Why was I sitting there in my pajamas?  Well … I was happily sleeping in when Jessica, my sister, woke me up and reminded me I was going to take her to Wal-Mart before she left to travel home for Christmas (She was leaving in 1 ½ hrs).  Thinking thoughts of being a good and loving sister I rolled out of bed, grabbed my laptop and keys and a jacket and poured myself into the car. 

At Wal-mart’s McDonalds I ordered a muffin to nibble on as I used my computer to select photos to send to my mom and wrote Christmas letters to my brothers.  I was using the time I had to extend myself in love to all those I could (including the McDonalds cashier – managed to get a genuine smile out of her), and not only do I get judged, I get misjudged. 

Made me think, I do exactly the same thing.  That person over there is an abusive parent, an unfit driver, ignorant, careless, inconsiderate, or unobservant, or withdrawn.  This insta-labeling happens in the other direction as well – creating paragons of patience, intelligence, whit, mercy, and perfection.  Really, any impressions we gain of a person seeing them across the aisle in the Super Store is, as a rule, going to be inaccurate.  Even after spending some time with a person it is impossible to be at all accurate in judging their motivations, so why do we try and do it when we are oblivious to all but the obvious and are missing most of the important bits.

Well, maybe we do it to try to fit what we see (reality), with how we think (our reality).  Right and wrong are based on our perceptions, and our perceptions are based on the society in which we have been raised and our experiences. 

Why ever we do it, I want to stop – wish me luck, I don’t think it is possible.

Two parallel experiences: (how I came to have a relationship with God)

1. Got to know the Spirit – DO THIS!

My Mother is an incredible person in many areas … one of which is that of being aware of the spirit, and being able to understand him – whether in understanding gospel principles, in receiving answers to prayers, in applying scriptures to her current situation, or even just feeling his presence.  As a child this frustrated me to no end.  I wanted to feel the spirit.  I wanted to know the church was true, and wanted to like the scriptures, and I wanted to feel my prayers were heard and answered.  It was like my mom had a direct line to God, and the wire connecting me to God had been cut.  Not nice.

I don’t remember how old I was when I first noticed I had something missing – probably somewhere between the ages of 10-13.  Somewhere in there I decided I wanted and was going to get what my Mom had.  I don’t remember what experience or person influenced me, but somehow I got the idea to experiment with listening to the Spirit.  I prayed to feel his presence, to recognize his presence, to understand his prompting.  When I thought I may be feeling a prompting of the spirit I did what I felt impressed to do to see if anything happened.  If it flopped, I assumed it was just one of my ideas.  If it work, it may have been of the Spirit. Over time I hoped I would be able to tell the difference between my thoughts and ideas and the Spirit’s.  I still do this... it works! 

Since starting, I have developed a relationship with the Spirit.  I now feel I receive answers to my prayers – although not always in the time or direction I would like.  I also love the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants and frequently see connections to my life in what I read (still have more work to do with the Old and New Testaments and Pearl of Great Price).  Through my developing relationship with the Spirit, I have and continue to develop my relationships with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father.  I now know they are there, I am learning about their personalities, and truly believe they are aware of me and are actively involved in my life – leading me along as fast as I will follow to what will bring me the greatest happiness (not that I know what that is).  I trust them.

This is why developing a relationship with the Spirit has become so important to me.  The Spirit is the channel through which I know God exists, in fact, he is the conduit through which all my experience and knowledge, and communication with God travels.

2. Experiment Gone  Awry - DON'T DO THIS

.     

In my early efforts at experimenting with the Spirit I discovered many good things to do (follow prompting to see where they go, pray and plead for experiences with the Spirit so you can learn what the Spirit feel like etc…).  I also discovered some not so good ways of experimenting…  I began taking gospel principles and instead of asking if they were true, I would look at them and ask if they were false.  Not a good way to set about finding truth… at least not for me.  The 13^th article of faith states in part, “… If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.”  I have since found it more productive to seek for truth than for un-truth.

Anyway, when I was 12-14 (once again, not sure when exactly) I set about trying to find truth in the gospel and about God by questioning everything.  Then I had this dream:

I was alone in my castle.  It was a very well built, strong if not beautiful structure.  I think I was curled up reading a book in a comfy corner when I noticed an eerie stillness.  Running through my empty castle I climbed a tower and looked outside to see if I could discover what was making me sooo uneasy. Looking out the window and down the side of the mountain I saw in the gathering dusk a distant mob of angry people with torches storming up the mountain.  They were coming for ME!!!  I rushed about my sure fortress, in a panic and hid under a table in the kitchen.  They were coming closer now – I could hear them!    In terror, I ran to the back entrance of the castle, unbolted and flung open the door –

Before me lay a rough cut plank spanning the moat.  It must have been raining, because the water was extremely high and torrential. Not even seeing this in my fear, I bolted from the castle across the plank … softened by the rain the ground gave way under the board – whoosh – I fell in the cold churning water. 

I was at the mercy of a strong current that pulled me here and pushed me there.  Totally disoriented, under the water, surging upwards, gasping when every my face happened to find the surface,  inhaling both water and air, being pulled down into the depths once again…

… Catching a glimpse of Someone leaning forward, stretching out a hand … reaching, reaching, NOOO!!!  Being pull way and under! Help!  Please!  Pushed up and air… Gasp...  Coming around again. Please, please help me. Reaching…

He managed to grab hold of my hand and drag me from the torrent. I found myself standing by the side of the raging torrent of a moat beside Him, I could not get back into my safe place – my plain but sure fortress.  They were still coming.  I stood there with a sure feeling of dread… why I had left my safe place in a time of danger - I could no longer go back.  Looking at Him I saw the sorrow and concern in his eyes – I knew I now must search out and built up a new place of security, safety, and strength... before they found me. 

This dream has stuck with me like few other dreams have.  Just as I left my safe and secure fortress when danger threatened, spiritually I had been leaving my safe place of the testimony of my childhood by questioning everything.  Having landed myself in danger, I needed help to keep from drowning.  It took Christ reaching out to me and me reaching out for him to land me on firmer ground.   I could not get back into my castle, and I could not return to the testimony I had.  In both cases I had to forward, unprotected to rebuild.  An arduous and daunting task.  But with Him, with Christ, it is, and has been possible.