Beautiful Day

Oh, it is lovely out! There's a light dusting of snow. The sun is shinning, and it is a balmy -4 out. No wind, and the birds are twirping. Breath deeply --- the very air is alive!

What a glorious morning.  This week I made plans to go running first thing this morning.  I woke up at 4am, 5am, and at 6am in eager anticipation of this new adventure.  When I woke at 7am my anticipation was gone - oh did bed ever feel good.  I momentarily contemplated pulling the blankets back over my head and conking out for the rest of the day.  It Saturday I reasoned, its my day, and I can do whatever I want! Mastering myself, I rolled over, flipped on the light and reached for my Morning Papers (nearly each morning for the past month I have been writing 3 pages of longhand stream of conscience writing - really cool, but I'll have to tell you about that later).  After so doing, I bundled up - why was I doing this again? - and jumped in the car to go kidnap a friend to come with me (if I must suffer, I was sure going to share :) )


What a beautiful day!  I stepped out my door into the SUNSHINE (haven't seen that in, like, a week), and felt WARMTH on my face rather than the frozen cold I had been bracing myself for. Joy! Bliss! What a gift a little sunshine is.  It didn't stay out long (it ran away to hide behind a cloud), but, oh, it was sweet.

We drove down to the river bottom, and ran .8 km, walked .2 km, and then ran another 1.1 km.  Pretty good for only my second run of the year.  Walking back to the car I listened to the birds, enjoyed the beauty of the nearly-spring coolie, admired some bird tracks, spotted two HUGE birds (Canadian geese? - couldn't be ... they were huge!), and enjoyed delightful conversation.

And life is brighter because of this adventure.  I need to get out and run more.  It makes me feel better, have more energy, gain motivation (made gluten free bread!), and makes the world look more appealing.  I see more good - I am sure it was there all along, but it is like there are spotlights on it now bringing it into focus and to my attention.

I love running! And I love that Spring is coming back to me.  Maybe this is why we have winter - so we can know how sweet Spring is.

Figuring it out

Have you noticed what complex creatures human beings are?  We really don’t make sense.  Very few statements you could make about a person, even yourself, are always true. 

-  I am people phobic – I need to be around people – I am stubborn – I am open (I like to think so anyway) – I am hard working – I am lazy …

Really doesn’t make any sense.

Here’s another one for you – I hate change, and I need change.  Good or bad, change is scary – I don’t like not being in control. 

There is great risk of personal injury when you don’t know what’s happening … especially if you do not have a hand in directing the change.  I don’t know if it is easier or harder to deal with change if you have some control of it.  At least then you have a chance to moderate it and direct it – injuries are sometimes both harder or easier to deal with when you know they were your fault.  I don’t like being hurt or uncomfortable.

Change can bring about many unpleasant results. It can hurt, it can end, and it can crush.

BUT …

I need change.  If I don’t have change I feel stagnant, unfulfilled, wasted, depressed, bored, and of less worth.  Self chosen change is like morning mist, like a frosted wood, and like storm cleared air.  It energizes, enlivens, awakens, lifts, and makes everything else in your life brighter, lighter, and easier to bear.  It carries with it hope, and this hope diffuses into many seemingly unrelated areas in my life.  If I something good can happen or be caused to happen here, then surely good things are happening or about to happen elsewhere too! I subconsciously start looking for the good elsewhere and find it! I see the world differently. This kind of change breeds excitement with life.

With this good kind of change, it is the process rather than the product that is most thrilling.  The continual discovery, and development that brings such a high.  New tastes, sights, smells, sounds … the discovery of new capabilities and the development of such.  It is a great thing to know you can. It is liberating to know you don’t know the limit of the great, and good you can do and experience. It breeds joy and anticipation for the new day.  What am I going to stumble across today? 

Change can bring freedom.

So … yes … people are complicated.  And change …

… it’s a fact of life and either makes life miserable or worth living…

How Long??

Was lying in bed this morning, praying again to know what to do with my life this next year – how long does God want me to keep on keeping on?  I want to move and progress and play and explore and create.  I often feel so stagnant, and while life is very good, I want it to be great.  Had two thoughts:  First, this hymn below popped into my head. 

How long, O Lord most holy and true,

Shall shadowed hope our joy delay?

Our hears confess, our souls believe

Thy truth, thy truth, thy light, thy will, thy way!

Thy truth has made our prison bright;

Thy light has dimmed the dying past.

We bend beneath thy loving will

And seek thy onward, onward path at last.

Eternal Father, gentle Judge!

Speed on the day, redemption’s hour.

Set up thy kingdom; from thy house

Unlock for us, for us the prison tow’r.

From grim confusion’s awful depth

The wail of hosts, faith’s urgent plea:

Release our anguished, weary souls;

Swing wide, sing wide the gates, and set us free!

-          How Long, O Lord Most Holy and True, Text: John A. Widstoe, Music: B. Cecil Gates

      Second, was an impression to start the new year fasting. I invite anyone who wants to, to join me. 

  

Two parallel experiences: (how I came to have a relationship with God)

1. Got to know the Spirit – DO THIS!

My Mother is an incredible person in many areas … one of which is that of being aware of the spirit, and being able to understand him – whether in understanding gospel principles, in receiving answers to prayers, in applying scriptures to her current situation, or even just feeling his presence.  As a child this frustrated me to no end.  I wanted to feel the spirit.  I wanted to know the church was true, and wanted to like the scriptures, and I wanted to feel my prayers were heard and answered.  It was like my mom had a direct line to God, and the wire connecting me to God had been cut.  Not nice.

I don’t remember how old I was when I first noticed I had something missing – probably somewhere between the ages of 10-13.  Somewhere in there I decided I wanted and was going to get what my Mom had.  I don’t remember what experience or person influenced me, but somehow I got the idea to experiment with listening to the Spirit.  I prayed to feel his presence, to recognize his presence, to understand his prompting.  When I thought I may be feeling a prompting of the spirit I did what I felt impressed to do to see if anything happened.  If it flopped, I assumed it was just one of my ideas.  If it work, it may have been of the Spirit. Over time I hoped I would be able to tell the difference between my thoughts and ideas and the Spirit’s.  I still do this... it works! 

Since starting, I have developed a relationship with the Spirit.  I now feel I receive answers to my prayers – although not always in the time or direction I would like.  I also love the Book of Mormon and Doctrine and Covenants and frequently see connections to my life in what I read (still have more work to do with the Old and New Testaments and Pearl of Great Price).  Through my developing relationship with the Spirit, I have and continue to develop my relationships with Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father.  I now know they are there, I am learning about their personalities, and truly believe they are aware of me and are actively involved in my life – leading me along as fast as I will follow to what will bring me the greatest happiness (not that I know what that is).  I trust them.

This is why developing a relationship with the Spirit has become so important to me.  The Spirit is the channel through which I know God exists, in fact, he is the conduit through which all my experience and knowledge, and communication with God travels.

2. Experiment Gone  Awry - DON'T DO THIS

.     

In my early efforts at experimenting with the Spirit I discovered many good things to do (follow prompting to see where they go, pray and plead for experiences with the Spirit so you can learn what the Spirit feel like etc…).  I also discovered some not so good ways of experimenting…  I began taking gospel principles and instead of asking if they were true, I would look at them and ask if they were false.  Not a good way to set about finding truth… at least not for me.  The 13^th article of faith states in part, “… If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.”  I have since found it more productive to seek for truth than for un-truth.

Anyway, when I was 12-14 (once again, not sure when exactly) I set about trying to find truth in the gospel and about God by questioning everything.  Then I had this dream:

I was alone in my castle.  It was a very well built, strong if not beautiful structure.  I think I was curled up reading a book in a comfy corner when I noticed an eerie stillness.  Running through my empty castle I climbed a tower and looked outside to see if I could discover what was making me sooo uneasy. Looking out the window and down the side of the mountain I saw in the gathering dusk a distant mob of angry people with torches storming up the mountain.  They were coming for ME!!!  I rushed about my sure fortress, in a panic and hid under a table in the kitchen.  They were coming closer now – I could hear them!    In terror, I ran to the back entrance of the castle, unbolted and flung open the door –

Before me lay a rough cut plank spanning the moat.  It must have been raining, because the water was extremely high and torrential. Not even seeing this in my fear, I bolted from the castle across the plank … softened by the rain the ground gave way under the board – whoosh – I fell in the cold churning water. 

I was at the mercy of a strong current that pulled me here and pushed me there.  Totally disoriented, under the water, surging upwards, gasping when every my face happened to find the surface,  inhaling both water and air, being pulled down into the depths once again…

… Catching a glimpse of Someone leaning forward, stretching out a hand … reaching, reaching, NOOO!!!  Being pull way and under! Help!  Please!  Pushed up and air… Gasp...  Coming around again. Please, please help me. Reaching…

He managed to grab hold of my hand and drag me from the torrent. I found myself standing by the side of the raging torrent of a moat beside Him, I could not get back into my safe place – my plain but sure fortress.  They were still coming.  I stood there with a sure feeling of dread… why I had left my safe place in a time of danger - I could no longer go back.  Looking at Him I saw the sorrow and concern in his eyes – I knew I now must search out and built up a new place of security, safety, and strength... before they found me. 

This dream has stuck with me like few other dreams have.  Just as I left my safe and secure fortress when danger threatened, spiritually I had been leaving my safe place of the testimony of my childhood by questioning everything.  Having landed myself in danger, I needed help to keep from drowning.  It took Christ reaching out to me and me reaching out for him to land me on firmer ground.   I could not get back into my castle, and I could not return to the testimony I had.  In both cases I had to forward, unprotected to rebuild.  An arduous and daunting task.  But with Him, with Christ, it is, and has been possible.

My Testimony

I know God exists, that he is the literal Father of our individual spirits.

God is both a master artist and scientist.

I believe God “… has all power, all wisdom, and all understanding; he comprehendeth all things, and he is a merciful Being …” (Alma 26:35). I believe God moves things in the world to bless me, and I will receive those things if I will allow him to lead me and accept the blessing and opportunities that are placed before me.

I believe Jesus Christ is God’s son, and that he fulfilled God’s plan in coming to earth, living and dying for me (and everyone else individually and personally).  I believe Christ still lives for me. 

I believe in the Holy Ghost, the third member of the Godhead.  I have developed (and continue to do so) my ability to hear/feel his promptings.  

I have come to trust God – even when I don’t understand why he leads me in one direction when I felt the opposite direction was where I wanted to go.  He is always right.

I believe God calls prophets to direct His affairs on earth.  Prophets remind us to keep looking to God.

Keeping God’s commandments (particularly partaking of the sacrament, scripture study, and prayer) leads to life flowing smoother. 

Seeking God’s will for me and obedience to that Will ALWAYS make life better.

Early Feelings

There are some truths that I have always felt.  I have always felt God exists, that he is an artist, and that he was good. I have early memories of feelings of worth and accountability to God.  The feeling that the young men and women of my generation had/have a great work to do is also very prominent.  I felt God expected great things of us, and that we were capable of accomplishing these things by nature of our valiant nature (and the support and orchestration of God).

Over time, through some study and more experience and experimentation my testimony has morphed increasing in breadth and depth.

I AM

Having just bought a beautiful new laptop, I am currently in the process of transferring files from the old computer to the new one.  It is pretty exciting revisiting documents, and I have been finding many interesting (for one reason of another) things I have written.  Here is a poem I wrote back in 2007 for one of my college courses.

I Am

Painted in 1999

I am lost on a journey to a known destination

I wonder why God’s timing has to differ so much from my own

I listen for the sunshine in a world that’s raining

I see things as they could be

I want a cottage with a creek, a library with large comfy chairs and a ladder, an orchard with a tree swing

I am a daisy in a bouquet of roses

I am spontaneous – I sing, skip, fly, and laugh for the joy of it

I pretend, to become; and act to gain

I feel God holding me in his hands

I read to escape

I worry when I don’t know the whole plan

I am a garden sprite – I live in a fairy garden

I understand I am not perfect, and I am alright with that

I say what I think when I can no longer stay silent

I dream with my feet on the ground and my head in the 
                                     clouds

                              I try to improve…

                                         I have hope for tomorrow.

                                                                          I am on the road.

What’s in a Name?

Hello dear ones.

Jess and I have decided to divide the newsletter and write up our portions separately.  I have also decided to turn my newletter into a blog.  This way we can both send out instalments when we have the time and when we are ready, rather than having to wait for the other or hurry to get something written.  Also I can send out a story here and there rather than waiting to have an entire newletters worth.  

The only problem was, what do we call our separate Publications???  Common Mercies was a name Jess thought of through mutual discussion.  We both love the name and what it represents dearly.  God is so good. Evidence of his love for each of us individually – common mercies – are everywhere if we will only look for them.  This is what I love to look for and find and share.  Life is sweet when can see God’s love for us, and it is bleak and dark when we can’t.  By sharing these experiences with you I see more of them and my life is brighter.  We tend to find what we look for .

So, what am I to call my newsletter now?

Jess has been tossing around all sorts of ideas, but none that express the same purpose or idea.  In exasperation she even suggested we chop the old name in half!  Mine could be called Common, and hers would be Mercies.  Hmmmp.  Asking around, one of my friends suggested (among others) the name Blessed Stumble.  I rather like this one!  It is an apt description of how I travel through life.  Lacking grace and foresight, I look around fling myself at the best point in view.  Then I raise my head and do it again.  (kinda like the donkey and the carrot)  Like a little child who is learning to walk, I set my sights on the goal and go for it.  I crash into, trip over, and fall onto things.  Sometimes it hurts, but much of the time the stumble adds to the joy – like the feeling of flying and the discovery of new things within my reach!  Either way, the struggle makes me stronger so I can run farther, climb higher, and experience more next time. 

Seeing life as a blessed stumble is an acceptance that a life full of the pursuit of learning and of seeking new experiences and of self improvement is one filled with hazards and joys.  Finding joy in the journey, let us all stumble along together.

Advent

I love creating, developing, and practicing holiday traditions.  I find these traditions help build a sense of expectation and excitement.  They can help you focus on why you do what you do, reminding you that the day or the season is special and set apart for one reason or another.  

Christmas means so many things to so many people.  It is a time to spend with family; to think of and support the less fortunate; to reconnect with those you care about (or feel you should care about); and it is also a time where we remember Christ's birth and mission (but mostly his birth).   

Unfortunately, along side with those things I love about Christmas are things I do not love.  Of Gary Chapman's 5 love languages my predominant love language is quality time.  This means I love spending time with those I care about and almost resent it when the amount of time I have to do so is limited by other obligations.  Also, my least predominant love language is gifts.  They just aren't important to me to make me feel loved.  I like them - but they rarely carry significance.  This also mean gift giving is difficult for me.  If I know what you want, and can get it for you I will.  But if I don't know what you want (as in you haven't told me bluntly several times) I won't know what to get and it is sooooo incredibly stressful for me to try and figure out what you'd really like.  This poses a problem at Christmas time where there is such a focus on gift giving. (Incidentally, if anyone is wondering what to give me for Christmas, I'd absolutely love a letter :) - really really).

Another thing I don't like about Christmas is how the different purposes are prioritized. I know everyone's priorities differ, however, the last few years Christmas has seemed a little fragmented.   

Because of this I have been trying to adopt, create traditions so the pieces of what makes Christmas for me, become more unified - like so :

Note: family includs those I was blessed to be born to and those I have adopted

Last year I adopted the tradition of Advent. Here is a description of some  Advent symbolisim and tradition from the Eric and Elaine Huntsman Family :

The term “advent” comes from the Latin adventus, meaning “coming” or “appearance.” Advent is the season marking the four Sundays before Christmas and developed as a way of helping Christians prepare not only to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ in his First Coming but also to help them look forward to his glorious Second Coming. Although Advent customs may be foreign to many Latter-day Saints, we have found that, like so many seasonal traditions, they are a wonderful way to turn our attention more fully to the true meaning of Christmas Elements of Advent liturgy existed by the time of Gregory the Great (Roman pope, A.D. 590-604), and much of the celebration was formalized during his papal reign. Many familiar Advent traditions, however, originated in Germany, where Martin Luther encouraged its continued observance as a way
of teaching children and families more about the significance of the coming of Jesus Christ. It is still widely celebrated by Roman Catholics, Anglicans,
and Lutherans and has become a common celebration in many Christian faith communities throughout the world.

One of the best known Advent customs is the lighting of the candles in an Advent wreath, a simple or decorated evergreen wreath with four candles placed in the circle and a single white candle in the center. The wreath itself represents the never-ending circle of God’s love, that he is the same and forever in his love towards his people. The green of the wreath, as in the Christmas tree, represents the hope of eternal life that comes through Christ and serves a reminder of the freshness of God’s love and promises. The light of the candles reminds us that Jesus is the Light of the World, that his birth represented the coming of the light into darkness, and that we are called to reflect that light in our lives. The outer candles are purple, the color of royalty, although customarily the third one is rose or pink. Traditions differ regarding the symbolism of the candles. One is that they represent the hope, love, joy, and peace that come through Jesus Christ. Each Sunday before Christmas an
additional candle is lit, creating a beautiful stepped-effect as the previous weeks’ candles burn down further. Scriptures can be read and carols sung as part of the lighting, which we do before family prayer. The four candles can also represent the different Old Testament covenants that God made with his servants, beginning with Noah and continuing through Abraham, Moses, and David. The central white candle is known as the Christ candle. It is lit on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and represents the new covenant made possible through Christ.

For Advent this year I have daily scriptures, songs, stories, activities, and snacks.  I will try and keep you posted about how it goes.

I still don't have Christmas where I want it, but I like to think I am getting closer.

Note: Check out the on-line quizes to see which are you and your friends primary love languages are and how knowing this can help you care for each other better: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/assessments/love/